"Every autumn the back door gets squeaky; every summer my hair rediscovers curls; every spring I take up jogging; and every winter, it seems, these stories begin again."

Came up with this in my head as an opening line to something today as I was out walking...my back door is indeed squeaky at the moment.

The world is R U N
by invisible people
who can do____well, everything we can't
but cannot walk
or die, or speak,
or motion for another
to come closer -

they simply have control

which they lose frequently.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

didn't really want to actually submit this as a deviation since its just something i wrote in my journal

I mostly just wanted to say what song I was listening to

April's closing...now how do we feel about this?

i definitely cant write a poem in this state of mind, im much too scattered and confused and chaotic...maybe i shouldnt even be writing, period, right now...i dont know i need to vent seriously bad, maybe in this journal a little bit of art will seep through the cracks.

so the guy iv been obsessed with for three years has a GIRLFRIEND now. its interesting...when i first began to fall in love with him he was dating this very same girl...somehow it didnt faze me then, i guess it really hadnt reached its optimum intensity at that point. but right now...i dont know what to think...im afraid to think. i could try to be perhaps incredibly blindly optimistic and note that i referred to myself as "bisexual" when i was in 9th grade, so maybe he could too...or i can be a little more practical and reasonable and fully try to sever my feelings for him...but i really dont know how to do that, after all this time. i wanted closure, somehow, but now i dont know how to get it. how can i ever approach him now?

i feel so incredibly stupid...for ever thinking that something, SOMETHING existed between us, for loving donnie darko because of that ending moment of connection between two people who dont CONCIOUSLY know each other, but subconciously...unfortunately, right here we've got no one but me feeling anything at all. i feel incredibly lost...i dont know how to really conduct myself without him in my mind (of course he still IS in my mind...but hes not supposed to be, the little convict), i dont really know how to feel much emotion at all that isnt directed towards him, or resulting from him, or just somehow relating to him. iv been crying all goddamn day, and i really tore my room apart this time...i threw a bunch of shit across the room and broke a CD or two, as well as put a nice little hole in the wall...i opened three yearbooks to the pictures of him, from when he was in 6th grade all the way to eighth, from when my obsession first began to leak in to the year right before it alllll went to shit...if this current yearbook had been out id have FOUR pictures, the one from this whole hellish year would be included. 6th to 9th: Mason of innocence, Mason of lust, Mason of longing, and now Mason of hell.